Describe the type of person you might be interested in meeting (either romantically or platonically). What traits do you find attractive?

I'll settle for someone who does not irritate the crap out of me and my cat.

Which virtues give you most of your self confidence? If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

Self confidence? Haha. You funny little machine. If I had any, I wouldn't be hiding behind this supersexy i-Mac looking for friends or a date or booty, now would I? You shitsucker.

What would be a perfect 1st date? Where would you go?

All my fantasies of a first date involve talking animated animals and they all involve fantastic breaches of space and time. But since all my "perfect" first dates have usually gone to absent second dates (and so on and so forth...), I'll beg off on this question before I bring up "issues" I shouldn't be dealing with and which Häagen Dazs cannot quell.

What is "SEXY"? What do you find "SEXY" in a partner?

Oooh, lots of stuff, but I'll never tell...

If you were to meet someone for the first time, what would be the "perfect" setting?

I don't know. Something where he can work on his coloring book and just leave me the fuck alone and not bother me.

If you could choose the ideal friend, what would he/she be like?

This is a trick question, isn't it?

Could you describe your cultural background?

It's neither cultured nor in the background. It's very foreground, but still not very cultured.

Do you belong to any organizations, clubs, teams, or special interest groups?

I call AAA when I need them. They're not very co-dependent are they?

Favorite pastime? Sport? Hobby? Diversion? Just what goes on Sundays at your place?

On Sundays (after skipping vespers): the endless grind towards our deaths.

Have you ever accomplished anything that got your name on television, radio, in a magazine or newspaper? What was it you did?

The records have been sealed by the courts. You can prove nothing. NOTHING. I dare you to try.

How would you characterize your political leanings? (i.e. Democrat, Republican, Reform, Libertarian, Independent, radically left/right, don't care).

I'm a cranky little shit. Loveable...but cranky.

What language(s) do you speak, read or write?

The language of love. Or poop. Which I hear is the same but from different dialect clusters. Or rather, the language of love is the language of poop but in a fake French accent.

If you could 'Do Lunch' with anyone, who would it be?

I have lunch. Or better yet, I eat it. What would I "do" with lunch? Absolutely nothing, especially after seeing Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks (four times, just to be sure, you know…). That scene just makes me want to go anorexic.

Do you have any pets? What are they and what are their names?

I have an imaginary dog. His name is Sedog; He's a corgi. He's very smart and really handsome, and he solves mysteries in his spare time. Sometimes the neighbour's cat helps him. He likes word jumble puzzles, rubiks cubes (as chew-toy. See? Smart!), pastrami, and helping me do my annual income taxes.

If you had $300 to blow in the City/Bay Area in one night, what would you do?

Yeah! Hookers and an eight-ball! Ha ha. No. Really. I'd use it to fund the construction of my weather machine so I can take over the world.

If you were to inherit a fortune or win the lottery, what would you do with it?

Uhm...weather machine, take over the world...? HELLO? Haven't you been paying attention? Why are you asking me these questions if you're not going to listen?

Favorite authors? What kind of magazines, newspapers, or books do you read?

I only read the writing on the wall.

List some of your favorite lines from movies, poems, songs or commercials.

"la la la, la la la la la." --Just Can't Get You Out of My Mind, Kylie Minogue

What were your favorite toys as a child?

My little teddy bear, Nipples, who came to life when I was left alone in the closet. But then he did such bad things, such bad bad things, oh so very terribly naughty things, that he had to go away. He was a naughty bear, Mummy said.

What is your dream car and its color?

Is this a serious question? Can't you or someone just drive me where I need to go? Or better yet, give me the real number of Yellow Cabs, the one where the cabs actually show up.

What's printed on your favorite T-shirt?

I thought it was Sanskrit for "Dwell On the Peace Within." But it was just a coffee stain. Okay, I'm lying. It was a cum stain. Here's a helpful hint: Do not subject cum stained clothing to the heat of an iron.

Where do/did you attend high school and/or college? What are/were your favorite subjects in school?

Stop asking me all these questions. I'm tired.

What is your dream vacation? Where on earth have you never been to that you would like to visit?

Still so many questions. Please, what is this? Some sort of gulag? Who are you? What have I done? Please, tell me...

What are some of your life-long goals? Where would you like to be in 2 years? In 5 years?

Hopefully, the weather machine will be completed in two years and in the testing trial phase. I should be able to make fairly decent blizzards and floods by then, with the ozone scorch(TM) features right on track. In five years, the world should be mine. It'll be a bit wrecked by then, but mine... hahahaha. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh sorry, what I meant was, "Would you like to share it with me?"

Any additional comments? Is there anything that the questionnaire didn't cover?

Go away.

And buy my book. (Or books).